The Man In The Room

I wrote this piece in 2009, a few years after my dad passed.  

The Man In The Room

As I walk into the room, my eyes are drawn to a man sitting on the couch, lost in thought.  I watch him for awhile, taking in the changes.  His balding head once shiny is now dulled by age.  His eyes once bright and sparkling blue are now clouded as if in a fog.  The look on his face is nearly vacant – or merely lost in thought. 

I find myself wondering where he is, not physically of course, but mentally.  Time travels in the brain. 

Perhaps he is in one of the many homes he was shifted around to as a young boy, not having any permanent place to call home due to parents unable to sufficiently care for him.

Maybe he is on that Navy supply ship out in the Pacific during World War II.  A time remembered not only for the loneliness of being away from home – but for the love letters written home to a girl he hardly knew.

Could he be thinking about the job he held for over 30 years?  A tool designer by trade – the pen and paper type as computers only came in to play in the last years at work. 

Then again, could he be thinking about his family – five children all grown up?  Or is he remembering them as children sitting down to dinner each evening promptly at five thirty when he returned home from work?

I’ll never know where he was that day, sitting on the couch staring forlornly at the mustard yellow walls of the living room – for when I enter the room with a smile on my face and say, “Good morning, daddy!” his frown becomes a smile as he raises his arms up to give me a hug and says, “It’s good to see you.  I’m so glad you’re here!”

*Note:  Undiagnosed at the time, my dad was going through what we now know was dementia. 

The photo below is one of the last really good ones of him at my Uncle's house down the street as he enjoyed a barbecue.  

Merit of Honor

Merit of Honor

I’m not sure when it started.  It could have been when my baby entered Kindergarten.  After all, that was a rough period.

Maybe it was when my older daughter was in middle school trying to write her first real composition paper on California history.

As time went on, they kept on coming.  I added others when first Sara, then Rebecca learned how to drive – and then again when they got their actual licenses!

I’m sure dozens were added when high school graduation was thrust upon me.  No way could I be old enough for a high school graduate!

In the year 2000 hundreds were added as I mourned the loss of my husband of 20 years.  That was a difficult time for sure. 

During this past decade more and more kept on coming in – there’s no stopping them now.  College graduation – MORE!  Keeping pace with life in general – keep them coming in!    

The icing on the cake was when my twin grandchildren were born… Now I can say I actually earned them!  And not only that, I’m proud of them!  I’ve worked hard for them… and I won’t ever change them!  After all, God gave them to me (and my husband will add that at least I have them!)

Me and my gray hair – are “hair” to stay!

(From my 2009 Memoirs)

Friendships of the Ages

Friendships of the Ages

Quotation:  “A friend is a present you give yourself.”  Robert Louis Stevenson

A friend is someone special who is present in our lives at each stage of life.  The very definition of a friend will continually change and evolve all of our lives.

Our first friendships are the playmates of our childhood.  These are the friends who created the memories of our carefree childhood days. 

For me this happened to be my cousins, Sandy and Rob, who lived just doors away from my own childhood home.  It was the other kids who lived on “the block” and also a few select classmates.  I remember exploring the woods in my backyard, looking for the first lady slipper flowers that would push their way up along the paths in the springtime.  I remember playing hide and go seek where we could hide just about anywhere – behind a tree or a bush, behind large rocks, or even in the musty cellar of our home. 

In the winter, we would build snow forts along the edges of our driveway, forged into tall banks of snow that had been pushed there by plows.  From the forts we would spend the day having long and loud snowball fights across the driveway.  Our property consisted of 23 mostly wooded acres.  We had a hill that for my generation of kids has been dubbed the “Russell Hill”.  We would grab our sleds and ride down the hill on the slippery snow – often times able to make our sleds go all the way onto the icy pond at the foot of the hill.  We would skate on the pond and even build bonfires on cold days to keep warm. 

It was with these playmates that I would spend countless hours during the summer time riding bikes around the block, swimming in the lake not far away, lounging on cool green lawns and looking for four-leaf clovers in the grass. 

Yes, these are the memories of our innocence – a time when we are allowed to be just children.

As we enter our teenage years, many of the playmates of our childhood are left behind.  A few may linger on into high school, but our needs are now different than before.  We need confidantes.  We need someone to share our secrets with as we embark on the road towards adulthood. 

My friends in high school are those with whom I share a common bond or similar interest.  My main friends, Wendy and Bev, are in the school chorus and in the library club. Then there was Irena and Merjeme (Maryann). We share stories about our first dates or even our first kisses.  The group that I am with are definitely not the “in crowd”.  We are the quieter, more studious kids – the ones who did not start dating until late in high school. 

We get our drivers licenses and are eager to be able to go places without being driven.  None of us has our own car.  We drive one of the ‘family cars’.  It is a privilege to be allowed to drive ourselves around. 

Graduation from high school is bittersweet as we now will part ways to attend different colleges.  We do not know if these friendships will stand the test of time.  We are growing up and ready to become even more independent by going away to college.

The friendships of college life are going to be more meaningful – especially if you live at the school.  These are the bonds that might be forged through sorority sisters or fraternity brothers.  They might be people in your dorm or in your college major.  Everyone gets a fresh start in college!  For most this is their first extended time away from home for any length of time.

My friendships in college are mostly female.  I lived in an off-campus building that has 9 two-bedroom apartments that house up to six girls.  By the end of the first year, we do some trade offs for room mates as we felt a common bond.  I decide to live with Daria and Linda whom I have gotten to know since they are in the same major as myself – special education.  Add to this mix some friends, Olenka and Sherri.  Thrown into this mix is our own little Italian, Callista (known as Cal).  This group ends up being the core group for the remaining college years.  We call ourselves the Fitch Street 5 plus one [because inevitably one in our group was always missing during the year due to a year off or a semester out student teaching.]  Our friendships are built on learning how to manage life without the parental watchful eye.  We will test the waters of independence over the four college years – but always remaining true to who we are innately meant to be.  We are not big risk takers, but we are still able to let our hair down.  Each year we tape up huge sheets of paper to the kitchen wall.  We will write or hang things on these sheets as the year progresses – so that by the end of the year we have a wall full of memories to look over.  Things like someone’s burnt toast… or some witty saying said in the exhaustion of finals… or the memories of a party.  Each of the things on this wall symbolizes the good times we are having.  Cal tells us that the true test of knowing when the spaghetti is done is to throw a piece on the wall.  If it sticks, it is done!  We carry this one step further and toss a few pieces on the ceiling near the light fixture and tape a sign next to it which simply says, “Caution: Falling Spaghetti Zone”.  There it stays for the rest of our college life!

These are the bonds of friendships formed as we emerge into young women.  Once again that friendship will be tested as we move on after college graduation.  For me, that is a move across the country to California – 3000 miles away from everyone else.

As I begin my new life in California, my friends are now my co-workers.  We share a common religion because of the place we work.  It is called Twelveacres and is a residential facility for developmentally disabled people.  We share a common goal – to help these children and adults learn to be more self-sufficient. 

It is there that I meet my husband-to-be.  As our lives become one, our friendship circle grows to include each other’s family and friends. 

This is just the beginning.  Our friendships will evolve as our life situations change. As we have children and change jobs, the circle will ebb and flow.  Some of the friendships will travel with us while others will fall away. 

As an adult, I have made attempts to reconnect with a few of my childhood or high school friends.  I find I have so little in common with them anymore that we are more acquaintances than true friends.  I am still in touch with my college roommates.  We don’t communicate with each other a lot – but we do try to meet up when I am back East visiting family.  We can sit around and talk – and it feels as if the years between us have just melted away.  We so easily pick up where we left off.  We laugh and reminisce about our time together.

It is the friendships of my mature years that I treasure the most.  It is these friends who have stood beside me when my husband was killed in a horrific accident back in 2000.  That period of my life showed me who my friends really were… and unfortunately it also showed me who they were not.  These are the friends still walking with me today.  They are the ones that I know I can count on in good times and in bad.  True friends stand  the test of time.  I know more friendships will continue to form in the years to come.  These will be special ones as well.  They will show me new ways to have fun.  We will make new memories together until memories are all that we have. 

Our lives are shaped by the people we meet along this journey we call life.  We need every single one of them.  All are different – but all are important. 

I love the following saying because it is so true for me.  I do not know it’s origin.

“ People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. “

A House vs. A Home

I wrote this poem nearly eight years ago.  This story was about my childhood home.  In August of 2012, after Mom passed suddenly, we as a family spent eight days clearing it out and, when we closed it's doors that final day, it was empty, void of any life.

I could just as easily written this about my moving up to Roseville, leaving our beautiful home behind, a house standing in it's place.  

A House vs. A Home

A house with just four walls and a roof is just a house.
A house filled with a couch, beds, tables and curtains is a home.

A house without people is just a house.
A house with a loving couple inside is a home.

A house without children is a quiet house.
A house filled with children is a home.

A house built upon sand can come tumbling down.
A house built on rock stands tall and strong.

A home full of love creates many wonderful memories.
A home is vibrant and alive.

The home, now empty, is just a shell.
For this place, now a house, has no more stories to tell – at least not to me.

Dawn Haskin
October 2012

20th Anniversary of Our First Date

 George and I met “online” sometime in March of 2000, perhaps about 6 weeks after Mike had passed.  We spent six weeks chatting online, instant messaging and so on.  We wouldn’t speak in person until late April.  On April 24^th, we were having our nightly messaging conversation.  It was a Monday night.  During this “conversation” I finally asked, “When……”, “are…..”, “you going to ask me out!”  He replied that he had intended on asking me out on Wednesday.  I queried why that day of the week.  He said that he felt if he waited until later in the week I wouldn’t have a chance to bow out.  I wouldn’t be saying “I have to shampoo my hair that night.”, etc.  Just one of his quirks.

We finally had our first date on April 28, 2000.  It was three months after Mike had passed.  There was no expectation of what would happen.  Yet, there was a companionable feel to the whole date.  I paid for the movie, Keeping The Faith, at the AMC Mercado Theatres.  He paid for dinner at the Peppermill in Santa Clara.  We had a wonderful time. 

We didn’t know then what life held in store for us.  But I am thankful for all the moments I got to spend with George over the past 20 years.  I’m thankful that, on that first date, I laid my head on his shoulder while we watched the movie – and continued to lean on him, put my head on his shoulder all the way to that last day.  

Touching Shoulders

There’s a comforting thought at the close of the day,

When I’m weary and lonely and sad.

That sort of grips hold of my crusty old heart

And bids it be merry and glad.

It gets in my soul and it drives out the blues,

And finally thrills through and through.

It is just a sweet memory that charts the refrain;

“I’m glad I touched shoulders with you!”

Did you know you were brave, did you know you were strong?

Did you know there was one leaning hard?

Did you know that I waited and listened and prayed,

And was cheered by your simplest word?

Did you know that I longed for that smile on your face,

For the sound of your voice ringing true?

Did you know I grew stronger and better because

I had merely touched shoulders with you?

I am glad that I live, that I battle and strive

For the place that I know I must fill;

I am thankful for sorrows, I’ll meet with a grin

What fortune may send – good or ill.

I may not have wealth, I may not be great,

But I know I shall always be true,

For I have in my life that courage you gave

When once I touched shoulders with you.

-       Unknown

Hope Springs Eternal

For the past thirty-plus day the world has been asked to stop in it’s tracks in order to stop the pandemic of COVID-19 from spreading and leaving historical proportions of dead in it’s wake.  It has forced us all to stay close to home.  To work from home or to be unemployed.  It has forced health care workers to put themselves in harms way to care for the sick that are coming to them.

Busy city streets are deserted.  Store fronts closed.  Life sucked out of them as if  a vacuum has removed all signs of life.  We are waging a war that we cannot visibly see – a virus so small yet so dangerous.  Yet our city’s look as though there was a war with their shuttered windows and locked doors. 

Today, as I took a walk around my temporary neighborhood I spotted this rose.  This perfect, beautiful red rose right next to the sidewalk.  I couldn’t help but stop to smell it as sometimes the fragrance can be so lovely.  This one was not exuding any strong smell, but that did not stop it from being any less perfect.  It is a gift from God that reminds us that spring is coming, that there is hope even in the darkest of times.

There is hope in the midst of everything going on in our world right now.  While borders have shut down, stores have closed, we have heard of less violence, of less real-time wars in the news.  No mass shootings because there are no masses to be found.  With parents now having to be teachers, they are learning just how much teachers should be valued.  They realize that teachers must have the patience of saints because they deal with a classroom full of kids – and they only have to deal with their own.

In some areas, there are families walking and biking together now that they have time with their work life gone or reduced.  Neighbors being more neighborly.  People cooking more at home – or ordering from small restaurants in order to keep their doors open. 

Air pollution has nearly gone away without all the cars out driving around.  Gas prices have dropped.  It’s a throwback to the “good ol’ days”.

It does not diminish the fact that hundred of thousands of people are suffering without paychecks.  That the working poor have become even poorer at this time.  We, as a community, need to come together and do what we can for these people.  Help with clothes, food, support. 

Some businesses have closed their doors forever.  Those that survive will take a long time to recoup their losses. 

My hope is that we do not return to the normal we’ve been accustomed to – that we return to a better version of normal.  A one where more people help people, where more neighbors are neighborly.  A world where we watch out for one another.  That when we remove the face masks, people will see us for our smiles and not our skin colors.  That we appreciate those who sacrifice for us on a different warfront.  The nurses and doctors, the grocery store clerks and food delivery folk.  That we appreciate our families and our time together that was forced on us but we want to continue when we no longer have to be self-quarantined.

Like the rose that is blossoming and showing us her glory – so too will our world when it is time to begin the process of reopening.  Even in this time of quarantine, this rose shows us that there is hope.  That spring is here and better days will be coming.  If God cares so much about creating this simple yet beautiful creation of a rose – how much more do you think He cares for His children?

Together we will make it through this time of change, this time of stress, this time of evolving.  Keep the faith.

Here is another photo I snapped today.  John 3:16

Seek Ye First

Seek ye first, the kingdom of God and his righteousness.  And all these things shall be added unto you.  Alleluia

Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.  Alleluia

Ask and it shall be given unto you.  Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.  Alleluia

Matthew 6: 33

Today is the last day I will be in my home of 15 years.  The home that George and I created to be warm and inviting.  Yet, no one yet has claimed it to be their forever home. 

A song just came on my playlist, “Seek Ye First”.  I had to stop in my tracks.  As I listened to the song, the words, I was taken back to life in 1994 when Mike and I were about to purchase our first home.  I listened and prayed on these words for weeks.  We were trying to get all our finances lined up and I’d applied for taking out my 401K for the down-payment.  We were still awaiting news that the money would transfer on time.  I was listening to this song when the call came in that the money was ready and we could close on our transaction.  What a glorious day that was! 

Here I am, some 28 years later, leaving what I thought would be my forever, happily ever after home and embarking on yet another adventure to search for my next (and hopefully last) forever home.  Hearing this song brought back all the memories of waiting patiently, wanting to move forward yet stuck until we got word that funding was available.  That’s pretty much what is happening today.  Needing to be patient and wait for “funding” to happen so I can close on a new home for me. 

I know that God is here – that God is watching over me.  I want to impose my will on Him.  Selfish, I know.  I don’t like the inconveniences that come from being “in between” spaces.  In between one home and another, one life and another.  Waiting requires so much patience.  While I am a patient person, even I have my limits of what is deemed acceptable.

Yet, God sent me a song, a sign, that if I seek Him first, and ask Him – then he will find me the place I should be.  If I knock, the door will open.  Someday I will inherit His kingdom, the ultimate forever home. 

Please, dear God, I am seeking, asking and knocking today.  Find me a place to live where I can continue to serve You and serve those around me until it is time for me to enter Your Kingdom.